Day 1 Recovery

So Day 1 for me is February 27, 2025. I just gambled at February 26, 2025. I want to show the world the life of a gambler, the highs and the lows.. I know that I’m in a fortunate situation, but I know it’ll all go away once I lose control. For now, I want to keep on track and just express how I feel and what’s going through my mind…

I feel stupid. Very stupid because I just got married last december. My wife knows that I had this problem and I promised that I’ll never do this again. I have a friend that somehow has some clairvoyance powers and he told me 2 days before my wedding that I would fuck up before March. 2 days before March I did fuck up. Crazy right??!

Most would think that what I did was crazy despite being told all the warning signs.. Again, I want to show the world the mind of a gambling addict.. Last time I gambled was September 2024. I did well over the couple of months, but I haven’t financially recovered. I’m still trying to.. I have a business that’s in construction. 2024 wasn’t a good year because of mismanagement from the workers. My wife and I still got married despite all this. I’m very lucky.. The itch never disappeared. I tried running, playing video games and tried other hobbies.. My mistake this time was I thought that trading crypto would be safe. So fast forward to February 2025, I downloaded crypto trading app. I’m not saying crypto trading is wrong or bad, but I guess it’s not okay for people like me who has the addictive gene. So guess what, I traded meme coins and boom, I lost a few 30dollars. Btw i forgot to mention I stumbled upon an old crypto account and XRP boosted 1000%. my .135 Dollars became 135 dollars, so that’s why i tried. Well, after losing the 30 dollars usd, I deposited money again, around another 140 dollars usd. Lo and behold i lost most of it in memecoin so I told my self i want to win it back through online gambling. Guess what, 150 dollars became 500, 500 became 1k, and 1k became 2k and 2k became 3k until I told myself this is too much! There were times where I almost got everything back, but the thing with addiction and people who has addictive tendencies, the control is gone, the urge is the master of my body at the time..

Aftermath:

I have a debts from my credit cards which hasn’t been paid off. I have a construction business and over 20+ employees. I fucked up. I took a loan equivalent worth of the money lost so that the construction operations wont stop.. and I’m back again to square 1. I know I need therapy and help and I did that last time too. I know I will go back but for now, I just want to pour my heart out here.. I hope this recovery would go smoothly. You can judge me, laugh at my story, empathize with me or whatever, but I don’t wish this kind of addiction to anyone even my worst enemy..

I sold some of my stuff online and a buyer was a Christian. She messaged that she’ll pray for me, and that’s when I know that God knows my struggle. I felt a peace within cause I felt seen. I hope those who are struggling the same path as me would feel seen too..

I saw a Bible verse I wrote in my attempt to stay away from this in 2021, it’s a good reminder.

Ecclesiastes 9:7 says, “Go, eat your bread with enjoyment, and drink your wine with a merry heart; for God has long ago approved what you do“. 

I’ve been through this cycle so many times, it feels stupid and hopeless, but this verse helped. It reminds me that there’s still life ahead. I can still live my life even if it’s shitty right now.. I hope to turn it around soon.. I’m posting this and telling my future self that I’ll lock in for you..