Day 53, awareness check point, but relapsed..

Well today is April 19, 2025. It’s been 53 days without gambling. And I want to be completely honest, i’ve been happy.

Today, I had so many thoughts thinking of going back to sports betting and researching about professional gamblers. And i realised that I can’t do it and it’s not for me. My nature cannot change. I’m just posting this for accountability. I’m not perfect and I’ve been through a lot. I dont know why but I opened my old gambling account. Found out that there’s a very small amount left, and I placed a bet with it, after watching all the sports betting professionals video. I realized that sadly i’m the 99% of people that gets hooked and loses all money. I feel very bad.

I read a book called “easy way to stop gambling” written by allen carr and its words immediately popped in my head. I want to live a normal life and the past 53 days have been a really nice normal life for me. I can’t gamble cause of how i am.. and i cant make a professional path out of this cause i’m very emotional in it. Eventually i know that if I continue this path i would end up betting huge amounts again.

I’m sorry for myself but i need to respect myself and love myself more..

A little about my Background

March 1, 2025 – Day 3

So, I just want to share a little about myself..

I’m born in a third-world country. From my perspective, I have been fortunate growing up. I am very lucky that my parents really did their best to raise us.. My dad had a very wealthy family of origin, but my mom was born and raised in a province in China. She had to move to our country for an arranged marriage with my father, which my grandfather arranged. This was probably to preserve the chinese bloodline I believe (I know this is too traditional but hey, it was back in the 1960s). So my mom arrived here without knowing anyone, without having the right education to get a decent job, she was very dependent on my dad and his family. She started out to be a chinese teacher since she did come from the country.

Again, I want to emphasize my father had a wealthy family of origin.. Because of the arrangement, he knew he had the upperhand, my parents were 17 at the time. Hence, my father was partying a lot and wasn’t very faithful to my mom. He was “living”.. The addiction for gambling came from him. Up until me and my siblings were born (I’m the youngest), my dad still lived.

Growing up, the earliest I remembered gambling being brought up in our family conversations was when I was 4-5 years of age I think. My mom at the time was laid off her teaching job because my siblings and I were always getting sick so she had to take a lot of day offs. She was very Christian. She had to sell clothing in a shopping center. She had to carry clothes around the mall and sell clothes to stores. My dad on the other hand was working for his family business but due to his addictions, my mom had to work extra. At the time it was brought up in our family evenings that me and my siblings had to pray for my dad for his gambling to stop.. Guess what, he didn’t until just recently I think, to remind you again I’m 29. I don’t think my dad can stop to be honest..

I grew up witnessing 2 extremes, 1 parent that works extremely hard, and another who doesn’t like working at all. From my perspective my mom was able to grow her business by having a store now and my dad wasn’t able to build anything. I’m very lucky that I was able to finish school and even college. I work extremely hard but I also have addictions as well.

I was exposed to weed and gambling when I turned 16. Weed was from my classmates and gambling from my brother. My parents weren’t giving us enough allowances to be able to go out with friends, so my brother had to find other ways to earn money, which he tried gambling. He was good at it so I followed him. I lost a lot at first, and I had to borrow money from my girl “best friend” (It was complicated). I returned the money tho when me and my brother won it back.. Gambling had been such a coping for me besides weed. I studied Civil Engineering and looking back I can’t believe I was able to graduate despite the addictions. I can’t explain it but the thrill from gambling, I can’t get that anywhere else, probably what makes it soo addicting for me..

It was on and off for me, for both gambling and drugs. I am happy with my old self that I only dabbled with weed, shrooms and ecstacy (only took 3 times in my life)..

I love my parents, both of them, but i know that my mom did all the heavy lifting. Typing this made me realize that my dad was on and off the gambling addiction too. He’s now turning 60 but I know he has debts. What is weird is he earns significantly more than my mom but he has no savings.. My mom even paid off his debt, and my debt in the past.. I really hope I won’t make the same mistake..

Through a lot of challenges I’m able to start a construction business with my wife, I made her partner cause I love her. I was able to stop gambling for 2 years but then I backslid. I was able to do a lot in those 2 years. Now the business is still running but due to my latest backslid I had to take a loan so that the operations won’t be affected. My wife is working as a psychologist. I know that for students and other psychologists would view my life as interesting.. I’m working my way out of this don’t worry, but if I do relapse I’ll also write it down..

Thank you guys for reading my story, please let me know your thoughts whether good or bad.

Day 1 Recovery

So Day 1 for me is February 27, 2025. I just gambled at February 26, 2025. I want to show the world the life of a gambler, the highs and the lows.. I know that I’m in a fortunate situation, but I know it’ll all go away once I lose control. For now, I want to keep on track and just express how I feel and what’s going through my mind…

I feel stupid. Very stupid because I just got married last december. My wife knows that I had this problem and I promised that I’ll never do this again. I have a friend that somehow has some clairvoyance powers and he told me 2 days before my wedding that I would fuck up before March. 2 days before March I did fuck up. Crazy right??!

Most would think that what I did was crazy despite being told all the warning signs.. Again, I want to show the world the mind of a gambling addict.. Last time I gambled was September 2024. I did well over the couple of months, but I haven’t financially recovered. I’m still trying to.. I have a business that’s in construction. 2024 wasn’t a good year because of mismanagement from the workers. My wife and I still got married despite all this. I’m very lucky.. The itch never disappeared. I tried running, playing video games and tried other hobbies.. My mistake this time was I thought that trading crypto would be safe. So fast forward to February 2025, I downloaded crypto trading app. I’m not saying crypto trading is wrong or bad, but I guess it’s not okay for people like me who has the addictive gene. So guess what, I traded meme coins and boom, I lost a few 30dollars. Btw i forgot to mention I stumbled upon an old crypto account and XRP boosted 1000%. my .135 Dollars became 135 dollars, so that’s why i tried. Well, after losing the 30 dollars usd, I deposited money again, around another 140 dollars usd. Lo and behold i lost most of it in memecoin so I told my self i want to win it back through online gambling. Guess what, 150 dollars became 500, 500 became 1k, and 1k became 2k and 2k became 3k until I told myself this is too much! There were times where I almost got everything back, but the thing with addiction and people who has addictive tendencies, the control is gone, the urge is the master of my body at the time..

Aftermath:

I have a debts from my credit cards which hasn’t been paid off. I have a construction business and over 20+ employees. I fucked up. I took a loan equivalent worth of the money lost so that the construction operations wont stop.. and I’m back again to square 1. I know I need therapy and help and I did that last time too. I know I will go back but for now, I just want to pour my heart out here.. I hope this recovery would go smoothly. You can judge me, laugh at my story, empathize with me or whatever, but I don’t wish this kind of addiction to anyone even my worst enemy..

I sold some of my stuff online and a buyer was a Christian. She messaged that she’ll pray for me, and that’s when I know that God knows my struggle. I felt a peace within cause I felt seen. I hope those who are struggling the same path as me would feel seen too..

I saw a Bible verse I wrote in my attempt to stay away from this in 2021, it’s a good reminder.

Ecclesiastes 9:7 says, “Go, eat your bread with enjoyment, and drink your wine with a merry heart; for God has long ago approved what you do“. 

I’ve been through this cycle so many times, it feels stupid and hopeless, but this verse helped. It reminds me that there’s still life ahead. I can still live my life even if it’s shitty right now.. I hope to turn it around soon.. I’m posting this and telling my future self that I’ll lock in for you..